Busy Busy...

As both of my bosses are on vacation this week, work has become even more hectic and that's why I haven't found the time to blog think straight. It's always one thing after another at work, and I haven't even been able to go out to lunch much because I am seriously afraid that something oh-my-god-important might happen during that time. Ergh.

So people have asked me what I think about the Ronald-Charlene divorce-and-oh-by-the-way-we-got-married-4-years-ago fiasco. My response has been looking at the person blankly in his/her eyes followed by "Why is that any of my business?" First of all, I have never been a believer in anything the paparazzi churn out (although after this incident, I might need to give my practice a second thought). Secondly, I myself have been extremely divorced from the HK entertainment circle that I haven't watched any crap that TVB still doesn't feel ashamed to produce these days. So yeah, you can tell me Charmaine got married with Eric Tsang 10 years ago and they now have 4 toddlers tagging behind, and I will believe you. Lastly, as to Ronald and Charlene, well, like what I always say, you can't always have the best of both worlds. With fame comes loss of privacy. As much as marriage is a private matter, if, as a celebrity, you can't stand the thought of the public finding out about your marriage, then you obviously value your fame and celebrity status more than marriage. Then why bother? Marriage is a happy thing, and it's about the coming together of two individuals and their families. If you must hide the bliss of marriage to preserve your career and life, then you obviously don't have enough respect for the institution. I would advise that marriage is not ripe for you.

That's why I highly respect Matsushima Nanako. She is probably more successful and famous than Ronald and Charlene combined. And yet when she decided to get married, she made it known and she has never tried to hide her marriage life from the public. And look at her now. Not only is she respected as a successful actress, she is also loved by the public for her role as a wife and a loving mother.

Ignorant idiots...

Someone in my office just made a really racist comment about the World Expo that is going to be held in Shanghai. Ignorance is scary. The guy had always looked decent to me until today. And now I want to kick him in the shins.

Time to train the traders in something other than becoming money-sucking ignorant robots. This is exactly what I don't like about this place. IGNORANCE.

The vibe I am sending around...

Was talking to my colleague about getting an MBA, and she said, "You aren't even serious about this [my current job]. Why bother?"

I guess the vibe is going around.

I am not saying I want to leave right at this moment. However, I will be extremely disappointed in myself if 5 years down the road, I am still doing the same crap. 

This industry lacks heart and the human factor. The money is good if you are willing to live like a soulless money-sucking zombie. My manager and I once worked on a case involving an 80-year-old woman suffering from leukemia who got all of her money robbed by her son. She tried to get her money back so she could get proper treatment, but because we "must abide by the law," she got zilch from us. And instead of showing some sympathy, my manager made fun of her having leukemia. I was horrified.

This is the kind of people I am surrounded by 10 hours a day, and I am trying hard not to let their "industry-savvy (meaning 'I don't give a **** about anyone else but me' " side get to me. No wonder I am finding it harder and harder to write anything good these days. Given that I don't get to interact with loving and caring human beings at all, how am I supposed to write up anything that can touch people's heart?

The Goodbye...

I think I know why I was shadowed by such bad luck yesterday. Just to complete the list, on my way to the farewell party, my shoe's 3-inch heel got caught in one of those subway grates, and if it wasn't for my colleague who immediately grabbed me, I would've fallen flat on the ground, face down.


So the party went well. I was extra hyper for reasons I myself cannot identify. It was very nice to see the old gang. And it was even nicer that the people I didn't wish to see didn't show up. Everyone was family and it was back to the old times again. The jokes Eric cracked were still good. He just can't seem to get over the fact that I gave him the "thanks for the laughter" line last year. Hehe...


We drank, chatted, walked around and met old and new friends. Joe has gotten bigger. In fact, the first thing I said to him was "OMG Joe, why are you so big??!! What have you been eating??!!" He jokingly took offense to that and walked around all night telling people about it. Haha...Aww Joe, you know I love you! :D


Then we did a little gift presentation ceremony and the fun Roman did an impromptu rap dance which was super-duper awesome. People gave their thank-you speeches, and well, I wasn't one of them because I knew I wouldn't be able to do it without shedding buckets of tears. Then Tom said, "For the past 3 months, I feel like I've died." We all gasped, but he continued, "No, not what you all are thinking. It's just that the things you all have said and written to me are so touching that they almost sound like a eulogy. It usually takes a dead body and a coffin for one to hear these things. I've still got many years to live and yet I've already been showered with such nice words. For that, I am grateful to you all and thank you!"


Then the moment came. The goodbye. I saw Terry walk away with flooding tears and that was my last straw. It was my turn next and the moment I hugged him, my voice started to tremble and my tears just broke right through the gates. I could barely string my words together, especially when I saw his teary eyes. I made him promise me that he will come visit my hometown, he will keep in touch, and that he will not forget me. Then he said "I know you are trying to find a rich husband. Go for it!" And I broke into a laugh with tears still dripping down. Oh boy. Now EVERYBODY knows about my scheme. I didn't say goodbye because I had told him earlier that he would not hear a goodbye from me. This will not be the last time we see each other, and I want him to remember that. After one last hug, I walked away...


The story hasn't ended. I walked out the W Hotel teary-eyed and then I got lost in the Grand Central area. I just couldn't find the entrance to the subway. No, I am not kidding. No, I am serious, I AM NOT KIDDING. Someone must've cast a spell on me.


So everything makes sense now. I could only have been unlucky yesterday.


Because my lucky star made his departure yesterday...

What a messy DAY...

So today is the first day of my boss's vacation. What it means is the burden will be on me for the next 10+ days to get in in time and send out this very important list to 300+ people before the market opens at 9.

I got up extra early today because the last thing I wanted was being late for my "big day." Got to the train station extra early and hopped onto the 7. Before the train could even move out of the station, I heard, "Due to a stalled train, there will be no service from QBP to TS." Sh*t, I thought. It just had to happen today. Then I figured, well, it looks like the train will still run express from here to QPB. If it could get me there fine, then it shouldn't be a huge problem because I can always transfer at that stop. Or so I thought. The train finally moved out the station and we got to out first stop fine. Then came the announcement "This train will run local." Then we waited. We waited. Waited. ANNNND WAITED. The train just sat there and we were entertained by the constant broadcast of "A train ahead was pulled to an emergency stop and we are currently experiencing EXCESSIVE delays on the 7 line."  I swear if I had a choice to jump off the train at that moment I would've done so. I started to freak out and I knew at that moment that there is no way I can get to the office by 9. I felt awful because the alternate sender will be my boss's boss. He, my boss's boss, even had a talk with me yesterday just to make sure I am all equipped to send out the list and that he won't have to worry. Given the situation I was in, I had no choice but to email him and let him know that I made a false promise. I am fairly new to this job so every impression counts. This is definitely not a good one.

Just so that everything had to go wrong this morning, after I pressed the "send" button on my phone, I realized I was logged into a different email account and I specifically configured that account to not dispaly my name. Since I've never sent out emails from this personal account to my boss' boss, chances are he wouldn't recognize my email. At that moment, I just wish I could get on knees and pray.

I have very very very bad memories associated with a particular stop on the 7 line. Despite it's a great transfer stop, I usually refuse to get off at the stop even when experiencing delays. But this morning, I had no choice. I jumped off at that stop and ran for the next train I could get on.

I got to my seat at 9 and were able to send out the list at 9:02. That was after the market opened and the traders began trading. NOT GOOD. 

And tonight, there is a farewell party that I absolutely dread attending but I have no choice but to go. I still wanted to chicken out this morning, but then the person's email came in (and he hasn't emailed me in the longest time) and I now have nowhere to run.

Whoever wants my life can have it.

UPDATE:
      So I guess my unluckiness continues. We just authorized an employee to do a trade that he's not allowed to do...Although I wasn't the person who authorized it, I was the one who the person initially called. I am too tired to even fight this...

Dread it!

You know how you dread something, and you dread it, you dread it, and you dread it...You know it's something that you just absolutlely have to do and yet the only thing you truly want to do is run away from it?

Yeah, that pretty much summarizes how I feel at the moment. I will elaborate more on my Chinese blog.

My emotions have been in a turmoil and I really haven't been able to either calm myself down or sort myself out. I've pretty much just been running around day and night with very little time left for myself. I haven't been able to do much thinking, reading, writing or self-introspection. This is not what I am used to and I don't think I can last very long in this mode. I need to somehow set aside some time for myself just to reflect on the past few months (or years!) and decide where to go from here. Getting here has been a long journey, but now that I am here, it's perhaps time to start the planning again.

My mom was originally scheduled to attend a wedding this weekend. When she asked whether I'd like to join her a couple of months ago, well, given the mess I was in, you can easily guess my answer - no. But now that my schedule has sorta freed up, I gave it a second thought and decided I would like to go. Although I don't know the couple personally, it will be fun to see them walk down the aisle and finally tie the knot. I just need to witness some happiness, whether it's mine or that of others...Well, we will see how that goes.

I've been reading the book "Notes Left Behind," and it's getting harder and harder to get through. Not because it's poorly written, of course, but because it's just hard to read through a parent's account of his first-hand experience of losing a 6-year-old beautiful child to tumor...Will update more on this when I am done reading.

Well, my inbox has been flooded in the last 10 minutes it took me to type this message. I swear I get at least 20 emails a minute. Ergh...oh well, this is my job and my life. So Ciao for now.

This is a scary place...

So I got in this morning and began my usual routine of updating things. I was doing my usual mapping and came down the list to this guy who I just couldn't find his name in the company directory. Well, he must've performed a trade in the last 24 hours for his name to get to me, so he must still be here, right? So I called my boss to find out why, and he, in a hush-hush-oh-my-god-this-is-the-biggest-secret-of-the-day voice, told me, "Well, that's coz we are phasing him out."

I wonder if this guy has tried to look up his own name in the directory in the past 24 hours, and upon not finding it, would he get an inkling that the worst has already happened to him though everyone around him is still playing ignorant?

This is a freaking inhumane place. Does the management realize that not only they have family but we ALL do?! Sure, one whom the management is determined to fire has no standing to challenge the decision, but can it at least have the courtesy to inform the person a couple of days in advance so the victim can at least plan for the transition out??!! By, for example, not promising the kids a summer Disney vacation only to have to disappoint them soon enough?!

WTF.

I am sick...AGAIN!

Funny how when I was under an overwhelming amount of stress, the worst my body got was having swollen gums. Within the three-week period since the stress ended, I've already gotten a cold TWICE. This morning when I woke up, I realized my throat had gone swollen AGAIN, and now I can hardly swallow.

What a nice way to start a weekend. 

Friday!

I am so glad it's Friday. It's been a long week, and it's tough being around an ungrateful control freak-idiot hybrid all the time. Seriously, whatever you say and whatever you think of me are irrelevant to my life. As soon as I can, I will bid you farewell and I will try my very best to avoid seeing your face ever again for the rest of my life. Be done with you is my short-term goal. And if I ever succeed in something else, you will be the first one I thank because if it wasn't for you, I would not have hated this half as much and decided to move on to something else. This is how much you've "inspired" my life, and I do hope one day, I will be able to look back and say a sincere "thank you" to you.

On a happier note, this is probably what I will be spending my time on this weekend. Looking forward to it.

Happy Belated Birthday Andrew!

Happly Belated Birthday Andrew! Like I said, I have no excuse for being late, so to make it up, I decided to post a picture of you in undies.

What? You don't recgonzie yourself? You....sure? ^_^ Okay, fine, we need to talk.

Enjoy! Big boy!

The unsaid goodbye...

A friend of mine at work returned from vacation on Monday. Around noon time, he came around to my cube and the following conversation ensued.

Him: "Guess what? I got fired."
Me: "Yeah right...whatever."
Him: "No, I am serious. I am not coming back."
Me: "Yeah whatever, just go out and have your lunch. I will see you back here in one hour."
Him: "You don't believe me?"
Me: "No, I don't"
Him: "Fine, you just wait and see."

I was swamped so I just went about my own business. Lunch time came and went, and then I got up for my 3 o'clock tea break and I realized he wasn't there. I thought to myself, "Well, I guess the vacation did wear him out so he needed a half day to just go home and rest up." The day ended uneventfully and I hardly thought about him again.

I walked in the next morning and didn't see him at his desk. "Well," I thought, "He's late." Then my phone rang and another messy work day unfolded. I barely got to look up until noon time, and it was then that I realized his teammates had turned on his computer and were doing something on it. Well, if you are familiar with how things operate in large corporations, you would know that one's computer is like one's home. Fiddling with another's computer without permission can get you fired in and by itself. So that got me suspicious, so I started talking to my teammates about it and they agreed something must be going on. Later that day, a member of his team came and I asked, "Hey, what happened to M?" And he said, with a little pause, "Well, he got fired."

I was so shocked and I must've remained silent for at least 5 minutes. I mean, here he is, having just returned from his long-awaited vacation and can't stop boasting about the great game he got to catch. The next minute he finds himself staring at a termination letter that must've looked as strange as a smiling clown holding a rifle in hands. Strange and perhaps funny, but extremely lethal.

Since I didn't believe him when he broke the news to me, I of course didn't get to bid him goodbye. In fact, I don't even recall seeing him walk out. I was later told by my teammates that they usually ask the person to leave right away, and someone else will pack his/her personal belongings and send them to him later.

I think I am too innocent for this place. When I first started, I used to despise those who tried to grab as much money as they can as fast as they can. I called them gold-diggers and money-thirst freaks. But now, I think I am starting to see why they act the way they do. Everyone has family, and a lot of the guys here are the sole bread-earners in their families. One job lost means no meal on the table for an entire family. The impact is beyond my imagination.

I am saddened and yet at the same time, I think this serves as a wakening call for me. It's time to think about the future and devise a good plan.

Goodbye M, and best of luck.

Walking away from life...

Sometimes, I just want to walk away from life...Not ending it, of course, but just...take a break from it.

I don't understand why life absolutely loves to throw me into one mess after another, and it acts as if it's certain that I will be able to withstand them all. Well, the truth is, I am still fragile despite the calluses that have sprouted on my heart. I still want to be protected. I still want to be treasured as if I were young. In times of trouble, I still want someone to hold my hand and say, "It's okay, I've got you."

But life doesn't happen that away, of course. And I am frustrated.

Completely off-topic.I just realized my beloved Matsushima Nanako is sporting eyebags already! I happened to catch an episode of the 4th season of the JDrama "Emergency Room 24 Hours," and I was literally stonified when I saw those eyes. She's still lovely, in a more mature and sophisticated way. But I think i just never expected her to grow old, even after giving birth to two daughters! Sigh...I still love her and her acting, but that was a harsh reminder that life just doesn't loosen its grip on anyone...

Here is a very beautiful pic of her in her prime days...

Hate this!

I am tired of being around irresponsible people. Why should it take you a week to finish something that can be done in 5 minutes? What do you do at work exactly? NOTHING??!!

And why must people throw their projects at ME?! If you can't find the time to do it, what makes you think I have open slots in MY schedule?! Do you see how swamped I am???!!!! Why are you all so freaking lazy and want to get paid without doing any work?! Why?! Why?! Why?!!!!

I hate this.